On Being Marginal

For those who don’t know me, I’ve been on some sort of journey or quest for sometime now. For nearly two decades I’ve struggled to feel something other than marginal.

As a college graduate, I do realize what takes most people 4 years, took me about the same time most people graduate from medical school. As a mother my shortcomings are also apparent, as desperate teachers and the principal continually call, some even in tears, informing me of my teen’s outrageous behavior. I can’t find my kids immunization records. I thought they were buried in the bottom of the junk drawer. When my sister learned I had a cleaning lady come twice a month she asked “Really?” Apparently you can’t ever tell because the chaos and disorder that surrounds me, distracts others from noticing my toilets and tub sparkle at the moment.

When I worked I felt I had some way to explain my shortcomings, because I was very, very busy. Now that I have been home since the birth of my 3rd child who is now 4, I believe my home should be spotless and my scrapbooks complete. But nothing could be further from the truth in fact sometimes trash and hardened fries fall out of my car when my kids climb out. My purse is like a hermit crab, when it gets bogged down with old receipts, gum wrappers and crud rather than cleaning it out, I relocate my wallet, keys and phone to a new home and toss the old shell in with the heap of scattered shoes in my closet. My towels never match and at times my feet stick to my floor, which once drove me insane.

Though I strive to be tidy, this is my natural born ability and I will no longer fight it. The search for something I’m good at is over. My first year in my 4th decade is coming to close and I am finally at ease. I have found something I do, not just marginally. There is something I am really, really good at. I am a master in fact, of creating a mess. Today I look forward to embracing the rest of my forties armed with the knowledge that what surrounds me matters very little compared to what lies within.